Beauty Out of Horror

About This Talk

In many ways I've been preparing this talk for well over a year, starting in early 2017. I was asked to give a talk on this topic by the bishop of the Traverse Mountain 2nd Ward on April 22, 2018. Because it was Angel's homecoming address from her mission, she spoke for most of the meeting. I was going to leave it for another time, but in my talk I planned to share a very personal experience I had during a particular sacrament hymn. That exact same hymn was sung that day and so I felt impressed to go ahead and deliver a shortened version of my talk. This is it in full.

Introduction

Early last year, our family watched A Series of Unfortunate Events together. Based on a series of books by the same name, the Baudelaire orphans are subjected to many terrible things, initiated mostly by a murderous relative, Count Olaf. At the end of the season, the characters sang a hauntingly beautiful song that struck me with an intense melancholy. The lyrics said:

There’s no happy endings

Not here and not now

This tale is all sorrows and woes

You might dream that justice and peace win the day

But that’s not how the story goes1

I pondered on how it would be if this truly were the end of the story. Despite their adventures they were still orphans and still in danger. And the narrator tells of us much worse things to come for these young characters.

Horrors of Life

Like the Baudelaire orphans, we all have and will face the horrors that life brings in various forms, small and large, brought about by disasters, the choices of others or, at times, our own. I choose the word horror intentionally because that’s how life can feel at times, like a personal horror movie in which we are the star, desperately trying but unsuccessful to escape the dread that haunts us and flee from the terrible consequences that follow. Examples include:

Horror of sin and transgression

Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden as a result of their transgression, where God told them that “in sorrow shalt thou eat of [the ground] all the days of thy life, … thorns also, and thistles shall it bring forth to thee … [and] by the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, until thou shalt return unto the ground—for thou shalt surely die.”2

Horror of failure

Nathan Chen, an 2018 Winter Olympic ice-skating competitor from Utah, and a favorite to win a medal succumbed to intense pressure, causing a fall and several mistakes, thus ending the short program in 17th place.3

Horror of randomness

These horrors can include things like natural disasters. For example, Hurricane Harvey in Texas, displaced more than 30,000 people after flooding their homes and making them uninhabitable.4

Horror of illness

Brittany, a junior in high school, was diagnosed with a rare disease that paralyzed her digestive tract. She had to stay in the hospital for months at a time and now can only eat through tubes she keeps in a backpack.5

Horror of other’s choices

Elizabeth Smart, a 14-year old girl, was kidnapped, then tortured and raped almost daily, forced to comply with an evil man’s intentions for nearly 9 months before the ordeal ended.6

We could add a never-ending list of these horrors in life. And we have to acknowledge that the devastation these horrors bring are relative to our individual lives. Some of the examples I’ve used are large-scale and others intensely personal, but ask anyone who has felt the horror of a broken relationship or the horror of being truly alone, whether or not it feels any different. To an individual, personal horrors can have the same intensity and destruction as a deadly hurricane.

Beauty of Life

But obviously there is also great beauty in life, and we exist, we are, that we might have joy.7 These examples I just mentioned are not stories of just sorrows and woes. We don’t have to proclaim, that’s just how the story goes. But I have been looking for stories that are not just merely something good happening after something bad, finding beauty after the horror. I wanted to understand ways in which beauty comes out of horror. It is beauty that wouldn’t have happened, at the very least not with the same intensity, if the horror had not existed. It is beauty that comes from the residue of terrible actions or events that we endure.

Is this even possible? According to the words of the Lord in the scriptures, it’s not only possible, it’s promised to us. D&C 98:3 says:

Therefore, [the Lord] giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable [, or unchanging] covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to [his] name’s glory.8

Returning to our stories as examples:

Beauty out of sin and transgression

While the Fall of Adam brought about horrible opposition in all things, it also brought the incomparable beauty of being provided a Savior to open the way to become like our Father in Heaven.9

Beauty out of failure

Nathan Chen, feeling he had nothing to lose after his horrible loss, went on to win the free skate program by landing an unprecedented five out of six quadruple jumps, which ended him in only 5th place overall but won him the respect of the world.10

Beauty out of randomness

In response to the horrible effects of Hurricane Harvey, thousands of Mormon Helping Hands were organized and put in more than 200,000 hours to help people with their homes. As one thankful home-owner so beautifully said, “I knew the Mormons would come.”11

Beauty out of illness

Young Brittany with the paralyzed digestive tract used her time in the hospital to create coloring books and sew sock monkeys for patients. One young boy who received a sock monkey hugged it with great joy. She remembered him most because he passed away a few days later.12

Beauty out of other’s choices

Elizabeth Smart, after surviving her ordeal and returning to her family, has used the painful reliving of her horror story and the aftermath in order to support other survivors of sexual abuse and prevent others from suffering what she went through.13

People of Anti-Nephi-Lehi

One of my favorite examples of beauty out of horror is found in the Book of Mormon.

The people of Anti-Nephi-Lehi were all converts to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Under threat from their Lamanite brethen who were angry at them for following the Nephites, and intent on never staining their weapons again with the blood of their brethren, they buried their weapons of war. They prostrated themselves and began to call on the name of the Lord, but the Lamanites in their anger, rushed in and slayed a thousand and five of them while in this manner.14

But there is a beautiful ending to this story, especially when viewing the horrible events through an eternal perspective. The scriptures read:

There were many [Lamanites] whose hearts had swollen in them for those of their brethren, [the people of Anti-Nephi-Lehi,] for they were stung for the murders which they had committed; and they came down even as their brethren, relying upon the mercies of those whose arms were lifted to slay them. And it came to pass that the people of God were joined that day by more than the number who had been slain; and those who had been slain were righteous people, therefore we have no reason to doubt but what they were saved. And there was not a wicked man slain among them; but there were more than a thousand brought to the knowledge of the truth.15

There is much to consider about the people of Anti-Nephi-Lehi in this story. They must have seen themselves in their attackers, and knew the horror of having so much hatred in their hearts. But they also knew the beautiful change that could occur as their hearts turned to Jesus Christ. Therefore they were able to not only calmly endure the trial of the death of loved ones, but completely forgive their attackers, allowing them to kneel with them, and join in the covenant they themselves had made.

Fuller’s Soap - Process for Beauty out of Horror

Knowing that beauty can be created out of horror, that joy can be created out of adversity, what must we do? To understand the process, I’ve found it helpful to relate it to the process of making and using fuller’s soap. A fuller’s job in Jerusalem was to cleanse and whiten cloth. Dirt and oils were removed from the wool so that it would be pure and clean.

Soap contained ashes from the [rather violent burning of the] saltwort or glasswort plant, producing chemicals that remove oil (and the dirt that clings to it) by combining with the oil molecules to make them water soluble.

With the cloth soaking in soap and water, the fullers pressed or stamped it to remove the impurities (the Hebrew word for fuller comes from a root meaning “to tread”).16

When we combine the ashes of our adversity with the oil, representing the blood of the Holy One pressed out of his body from every pore, we make a powerful cleansing agent. Then, immersing the cloth, stained with the pain of our sins, our trials, our tragedies, in the living waters of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and activated by the pressing motion of our agency, the fabric of our souls becomes sanctified.

The book of Isaiah contains beautiful allusions to this process:

The Lord … hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted … and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.17

Applying the Process

Understanding how this real-life process of purifying cloth relates to the daily sanctification of our souls is helpful for us to create beauty out of the horrors of life. I mention only a few principles and hope you will ponder on the many others that can be revealed to you through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Focus

One principle is focus. Focusing on the beauty of a purified cloth at the end, whether it be our own or the garment of others, will help motivate us to look beyond the ashes of our horrors and apply them to our ultimate joy.

President Nelson summarized this principle, saying:

“My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives. …

As in all things, Jesus Christ is our ultimate exemplar, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” Think of that! In order for Him to endure the most excruciating experience [or the greatest horror] ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy!

And what was the joy that was set before Him? Surely it included the joy [or beauty] of cleansing, healing, and strengthening us; the joy of paying for the sins of all who would repent; the joy of making it possible for you and me to return home—clean and worthy—to live with our Heavenly Parents and families.

If we focus on the joy that will come to us, or to those we love, [we can endure what] presently seems overwhelming, painful, scary, unfair, or simply impossible.”18

Immersion in the Living Waters

One of the most important parts of the process of purifying our cloths and removing the pain of our hardships is to immerse it in water, a representation of immersing ourselves in the living water of Christ. This means that we should be immersing ourselves in constantly flowing righteousness by living the gospel daily, reading our scriptures, saying our prayers, and doing all things that the Lord would have us do.19 It does much of the work of removing the stains of pain and grief from the fabric of our souls.

Ministering

Another principle is that with the same recipe of ash, oil, water, and pressing, or in other words, your adversity, the Atonement, righteousness, and exercise of agency, you can help remove the stains of pain and grief from others’ garments as well. From the stories I told, you will recognize examples of those who created beauty out of their own horrors, by applying the cleansing agent formed from the ashes of their adversity with the oil of the Atonement to minister to others.

Sadly, we seem to think that the broken, damaged things about us make it so the Lord cannot use us to do His ministering work. We may progress to know that the Lord can use us in spite of our brokenness, our damages. But we often miss the fact that the Lord can use us because of our damages to serve and benefit others before these broken things are ultimately healed. The horrors of our lives can be powerfully applied to create beauty in the lives of others.

And when you find yourself working so hard on removing other peoples’ pain and sorrow, you will find that the Lord Jesus Christ and the angels in heaven have simultaneously been working on yours. There is also something to be said about allowing others to experience creating beauty out of their own horrors by allowing them to minister to you, particularly when you feel exhausted by the constant treading working on your own.

Personal Experience

The ashes of my own adversity were much more profound than I ever thought possible when Angel left on her mission and an intense sadness descended on my soul. Reaching out to God, and inspired by Angel’s service and dedication, I strived to follow her example and immerse myself in more righteous living. Through this personal hardship, I found myself receiving great blessings, some temporal, but most spiritual.

It was one of these profound spiritual blessings I received right here in this chapel that made me realize the greatest merger of horror and beauty is in the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ and how it applies to the horror of sin that I personally face. It was an experience during the sacrament hymn, the same hymn we sang today, which I had nothing to do with choosing, and told no one except Angel about. I wrote in my journal last summer:

I was singing the sacrament hymn today and a few lines really made me pause:

At the throne I intercede;

For thee ever do I plead.

I have loved thee as thy friend,

With a love that cannot end.20

[At that moment] I had a very vivid thought, [the kind of thought you know is not coming from yourself]. I saw the Savior pleading my case, [in a courtyard] where I was chained, condemned [for my sins]. He was pleading to give me a little more time. The Father, demanding justice, said, “Are you sure you want to shed more of your blood to give him yet another chance? He has had so many already and you have suffered enough.”

Jesus replied He does and He will; there is good in me enough; my heart can still change. Two attendants came forward and the blood was taken from Him, painfully and slowly. The Father watched on, honoring the sacrifice of His Son with great love.

Then, after He had paid the horrible price in blood, [I was unchained,] and the Savior approached me with these instructions:

Be obedient, I implore,

Prayerful, watchful evermore,

And be constant unto me,

That thy Savior I may be.21

And that is my desire, to be constant to Him. I fail so often, I am afraid this scene repeats more than I care to admit. But I keep trying to change my heart so that He no longer needs to suffer.

I know that beauty can come out of horror, that joy can come out of hardship. Combined with the atoning power of Jesus Christ, the ashes of our adversity can help remove the pain, grief, and sadness from the fabric of our souls and the souls of others as we minister to them.

[Testimony]